The End of an Era

....moving on...

Published on March 4, 2004 By brokedownprincess In Personal Relationships

i dont even know where to start on this blog........ive been crying for days on end...and i feel like it now but the tears have dried up inside of me. things as i have said, have gotten bad with nathan. but i never said how bad...hes very emotionally abusive. and its gotten out of control. and i may have "battered woman" syndrome but i feel like i cant live without him.....(chrissypoo being the only one who makes me see a glimmer of hope that maybe-just maybe-i can). but i have made the hardest decision so far in our relationship......im moving back to my grandmothers house. everyone says to end it totally, but i cant do that. not yet. i keep hoping itll work out-as naive as it sounds. its just so fucking hard. hes been my entire life for nearly a year-but ive changed so much. i used to be confidant and independent.....but now look at me. i dont go places i want to go or do things i want to do b/c HE doesnt want me to and i just want to avoid the fight and the guilt and the tears....i hate who i am with him, right now. im so lost right now........ all i can see are my tears......................Goddess, Mother, help me.........im so tired of being hurt.......give me strength, hope, and wisdom to get through this..........

Comments

psychx

on Mar 04, 2004

Brokedownprincess even your name sounds like a subconscious call for help. I guarantee, in fact no Im willing to bet that if you broke up with him within a year you would look back and realize that not only have you become independent again but you will hate yourself for having been stupid enough to put with something you don't have to. Unless this guy is George Clooney I see no reason for you to stick with him. Remember one thing people can change but it takes a very long time and it is usually improbable. We have a cognitive reaction to most things that already have been in place since our childhood. You yourself have a personality which compells you to stick to an unhealthy relationship, you might not think of yourself that way but it is usually the case. This was either due to a slightly subpar relationship with your own father... or possibly an uncle or something... Either way a psychologist would tell you if he is emotionally abusive, thats a dangerous path to even worse things that can happen, this I speak from education and personal experience. The best thing that you should do is worry about making yourself strong enough to be treated fairly and as an equal. I think you should cut yourself off completely from him because if you keep contact with him the situation will not get better...His improving how he treats you is not your responsibility and if he really loves you truly that is he would accept the fact that he might need professional help so he can keep you happy. I know that If I was emotionally abusive if I truly loved the woman I was with I would get help and do everything I can to keep that person happy. Good luck I wish you the best...

brokedownprincess

on Mar 04, 2004

thank you. your assumptions are mostly correct....and actually it was not my father but my mother-shes always been overbearing strong and independent-and i was the shy kid who liked to read. she always saw me as weak-in turn my sister, who is just like her and younger than me, always got out of trouble-my mother always said it was my fault cuz i "knew better". i learned to hold my tounge-and my emotions-at about age 4. i also learned to take on full responsibility for other ppl's actions. thus when i was drugged and molested and nearly raped a year and a half ago (the same year i lost my poppy) and when my mother blamed me for it-it seemed automatic and natural. medication and therapy sessions later-i got better but then got worse with nathan. so now i am trying to get back on track....i want to be that girl again. the one who may not be loud about her strength but who survives again and again....no matter how broken she is....

psychx

on Mar 04, 2004

you shouldn't think of yourself as the one that has to survive over and over again rather you should think ahead in other words any and I mean any decision you make that seems in any way unwise to someone like a therapist or a good friend you should not do not until you have your strength back. you should stay going to therapy until you have a very strong self image... you see your mother's lack of bonding created some problems with attachment meaning you have trouble discerning what is a healthy relationship, she basically messed up at the part where you were forming either autonomy or shame & doubt. unfortunately your mom kind of made you lean towards the shame & doubt part...I am really sorry to hear that you were raped...understand that your way of thinking is a little warped and you might need help remolding it into a healthy one... Nathan if that is his name will only lead to worse things understand that these type of guys are usually attracted to women that can be manipulated by them. Listen the reasons my assumptions were close is due to the fact that in psychology one is taught that most people lie in "classes" or groups that tend to have similar behaviours. That is why with little information I can make inferences on your situation. Once again I wish you the best

dharmagrl

on Mar 04, 2004

You have my email addy...in case you lost it, it's: dharmagrl69@yahoo.com . USE IT!!!! Write to me!

I know so totally what you're going through. Dave used to be the same way...just plain mean and spiteful about things (it wasn't just that, there was a lot more involved but out of respect for our relationship I'm not going to go into it here). Because of what he does (he's a cop) he had the opportunity to attend a conference about domestic violence, and learned that you don't have to pyhsically strike a woman in order to be abusive. He came home and said that he recognized himself in a lot of the scenarios thay had discussed, and that he didn't like it. He changed, he just doesn't do it anymore.....I too went through a period of feeling like I had lost myself in the relationship. I used to look in the mirror and wonder where the 'real' me went...I lost all confidence in myself and my abilities, I was a mess and a shell of my former self.
I don't know if your relationship is destined to last, but I can tell you this: you're tough, and you WILL make it through this. You've been through so much already, and you're still here to talk to us about it: that, my friend, is the mark of a survivor.

Honey, you and I have so much in common. I think that we can be a real help to each other..so please, contact me. Lean on me. I'm strong, I can handle it, and I won't let you fall.
In the meantime I will be thinking of you, and I'll try and send some good karma your way.

Namaste, my friend.

brokedownprincess

on Mar 04, 2004

thank you for all the support and prayers......

new-age nomad

on Mar 05, 2004

Dharmagirl, what is your deal with having people write you? I mean, I'm not knock'n it, just wondering.

Trinitie

dharmagrl

on Mar 09, 2004

People don't usually like to air their dirty laundry in public, Trinitie.

Princess and I have found that we have a lot in common..so we write each other privately. You and Dan IM each other (he has alluded to that in the past), so you must have an idea of what I'm talking about.

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